The Lord God formed me and made me exactly who He wanted me to be. He watched me struggle through my early years with sexual abuse and same sex attraction. He was with me when I didn’t receive validation for my thoughts and feelings. With all the lies that the enemy drove me to believe about myself, Jesus was right their, loving and drawing me to Himself.
It was very difficult to trust people who think the worst of you and call you abusive names. I had been lied to since my early years. Being told things like; you’re not smart enough, you are ugly, being told I would never amount to anything, you are a whore, you act like a Tomboy, etc. I began to own those lies, believing that they were true and even calling myself those lies. I carried those lies into an abusive marriage of 22 years. The rude, untrue comments continued into vicious names of emotional, physical, sexual and mental abuse. I wanted out, if not a divorce then I just wanted to die.
My same sex attraction was carried around for 60 years, starting at age 5. It stemmed from the early sexual abuse and continued to possess my life. I longed for that one person that would be my answer to everything. After divorcing my husband, I moved in with a lady and we lived together for 15 years. Then, she died of a cancerous brain tumor. That broke me and I wanted change, I wanted OUT! This was not how I wanted to continue to live my life.
At the age of 65, I sought counseling at Mid-Valley Fellowship for my sexual brokenness. The help I received from my counselor and through the Holy Spirit, revealed to me the many reasons I had chosen this lifestyle. I went through 3 years of Support Groups and counseling. The first year, I worked on trust issues because I didn’t believe anyone really cared about me. I grew up not trusting my parents and the abusers around me. After asking God to take all the ugliness away in my childhood, I did not believe he heard me, so I didn’t feel I could trust Him either.
Trust was a real issue. For without trust in God, there is no hope of healing. I was desperate for change but resisted just as desperately. After sharing this trust issue with my counselor, I began to realize she was trustworthy and I surrendered my trust to the Lord Jesus.
Then I had to deal with the shame of my past and my lifestyle. I began to realize the difference between normal shame and toxic shame. I was dealing with toxic shame for most of my life. Thoughts buried so deep inside that I was smothered by them. The enemy wanted me to continue believing the lies and hate that I had internalized.
The Lord had spoken to me about leaving my partner 6 months before she passed. I had heard Him but did not listen so I felt, in a way, that I had killed her. My lack of obedience had caused the Lord to take her from me. After her death, it took me 6 years to begin to really grieve her death. I just wanted it buried so I didn’t have to be sad. Now I realize it was not my lack of obedience that she died but that it was her time to go. I am no longer feeling guilty about her passing.
My identity was a foreign issue to me. I had no idea who I was because all the lies of the past still had their grip on me. I needed to realize that God created “me” for Himself. He put in me all the tools and abilities that I would need to live the life He had created me for. He has given me this identity since birth. When I finally saw that as truth, my life was full of love and abundant joy. I now walk around with this incredible smile on my face that I have to explain to some people.
I am now a resident in the Mid-Valley Fellowship House where I volunteer my creative writing skills. I am the Social Media Intern and I post several articles on Facebook each week. I am very excited about this time of my life being able to feel worthy and value from doing what God has set before me. His blessing shower over me and I am going to continue in this ministry as long as I am able. “Hope does not disappoint us.”