The song I’m sharing is one I wrote with a dear friend out of a heart of thankfulness and praise to God for the ways he has shown his undeniable love and erased deep strongholds of shame in my life. It was on my knees 4 years ago that he met me right in the midst of my brokenness, showing me grace once again, despite all the times I had promised to be true to him and regressed back into addiction to porn.
“I come again Lord, I’m here again,
In brokenness oh God.
Lost in pain, Feeling ashamed,
but You wash my stains away.”
I had been crying out to God for help for many years, but things always seemed to stay the same. Growing up, I struggled with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. I thought my acceptance from others was based on my abilities and all I saw was incompetence and weakness. So, I withdrew emotionally from others and lived in a prison of loneliness. Early on, I found that using pornography and masturbation would numb those intensely painful feelings for a little while, but it had grown into an out of control addiction that only added to my sense of inferiority.
I desired to have true friendship with others and feel close to God, but an invisible wall seemed to be between me and everyone else. That wall was made up of the words I often subconsciously heard repeating in my mind: “You’re worthless. If others really knew you and the things you do in secret they would be ashamed of you. You’re too sensitive. You’ll never be smart enough or strong enough -you’ll never be a man.” The idea of Jesus’ unconditional love for me had only been like a common saying; I couldn’t feel or believe it in my heart. But that night, everything changed. As I knelt there in my room, burdened by the weight of years of shame and hurt, I cried out for God’s help and I suddenly felt an incredible peace wash over me. IT WAS JESUS’ LOVE.
“Love, such love, such love
before I call your name,
even when I run away,
You show me love, such love, such love,
You took away my shame,
I never can repay
After that night, I made the choice to begin my healing journey at Mid-Valley Fellowship where I experienced healing that I never could have imagined before. No more do I have to live a life defined by shame, fear and hiding. I now enjoy living free from bondage to pornography and I am growing deeper in authentic relationship with God and the many close friends he has placed in my life. I still have struggles in my life and make poor choices, but the difference is this: I no longer rely on my own perfection to know I’m valued. The lie of the old self-identity of weakness has been broken by God’s truth and I stand in the truth that I am a mighty man of God who is beloved.
“When I feel like a failure, I know that you are on my side
dead in brokenness, you breathe me back to life.
When mistakes come back to haunt me, you give me strength to fight
Jesus forgives me with never ending love…”
Now I live in the fullness of Christ’s love. I live in Freedom.
“I stand amazed Lord, I stand amazed,
at your grace oh God.
I stand amazed Lord, I stand amazed,
it’s by your grace I’ve been set free.”